We have seven children. We are firm believers in appropriate, loving discipline. Personally I get tired of everyone apologizing and being sure to mention "it's not abuse". 99.9% of parents who discipline, spanking or otherwise, have never abused a kid, nor would they. But the politically-correct pressure of today's world make us all preface our comments on spanking or punishment as if we have something hide, or need to apologize.
Our youngest are toddlers. They are well behaved and obedient. All our children are respectful and good kids. Oh yes, they have their moments and some our more difficult than others, but overall, they are disciplined and obedient, appropriate for their age (oldest is 20; youngest 2).
We use several forms of discipline. Here's a summary: direct disobedience, defiance or temper fits results in a spanking. Every time, no exceptions. As a result of “no tolerance”, guess what? My kids RARELY disobey, rebel or throw fits. Consequently, they are happy, play well together... and ironically, get spankings with less and less frequency. Why? Because they know the standards, and they know the consequences. Simple.
When is a child old enough to get a swat? When they are old enough to deliberately, and knowingly disobey, throw genuine temper fit, or willfully defy you. Once they have reached the age where they can do that, it’s time to start teaching them the consequences of it.
Our spankings consist of swats on the behind only, with light rubber spatula. This causes the swat to "sting", but the spatula too light to bruise or injure. But make no mistake, IT STINGS. A mistake that is often made is a spanking “without effect”. It is a waste of time to spank if the spanking is not painful enough to deter the behavior. A child must literally think in his mind “if I do this, I’ll get a spanking that hurts… so I’m not going to do this”. That is the entire purpose of spanking along with teaching them that bad choices results in painful consequences (a lesson most people today are never taught).
We never spank with our hands, because the kids need "love" or "help" from your hands. They aren't "gunshy" of us because they know they only get a spanking if mom or dad has gotten the "paddle spoon" (spatula). They are told WHY they are getting a spanking and made to repeat it back to reinforce that it is THEIR behavior and choices that result in discipline. The kids are made to lay down on the bed. They get their swats, then they sit up and cry. No fits, no screaming, no kicking, no disrespect allowed (many parents let the kids "punish the parents" after a spanking which just defeats the purpose).
After they are done crying (usually less than one minute) it is quickly explained again why they were disciplined and what the expected behavior is. Then it's a big hug and kiss, which immediately transforms them back into "ready to play and have fun"... and then it's over. No sulking, pouting or bad attitudes just because they got in trouble.
We never slap nor spank anywhere but on the behind; that is humiliating and serves no purpose. I’m not really sure about the “hot sauce” thing but we’ve done “wash your mouth out with soap” (a couple of rubs from a bar of soap on the tongue) for profanity or verbal ugliness.
In public, we don't spank simply because of all the people out there waiting to report you for “abuse”... ironically, their own misbehaving kids are often present. It's revealing that it is almost always YOUNGER parents, who are ready to accuse you of abuse for spanking... not Grandma's and Grandpa's (most of whom grew up getting their behinds warmed up much more often than anyone does today).
Frankly, because we discipline correctly at home, we don’t have trouble in public. We take our kids to restaurants, weddings, church, any event at all and never worry about how they will act. I can’t count the number of times people have paused to tell us how wonderfully behaved our kids are in public. Down to our two year old, they eat with the mouths closed, they say “please and thank you”, they are polite, and they rarely “act up” in public. On the rare occasion they do, they we take them outside or the bathroom and warn them of the consequences when we get home, and they straighten up.
I also get sick of the media who never miss a change to parade out the WORSE parents in world "who spank" to show how chaotic, abusive and ineffective it is. These "examples" NEVER have a grasp on how to spank properly, when to spank or even have any sense of discipline or parenting at all. They are almost always exclusively shown to be parents who only spank as a last measure, when they are frazzled and angry, and the kids make a mockery of the spanking but running away, screaming, flailing and shouting out how much they hate everyone. The parents are often laughable immature themselves, or just nutcases…. Doesn’t matter. The media parades them out as PROOF that spanking doesn’t work.
We give "time outs" for childishness that has been warned and corrected previously, for bickering or unkindness, and for poor attitudes.
As they grow up, you transition from physical punishment to grounding, privileges and appeals to their maturity.
Parents should not have to be afraid to discipline their kids. YES, there is real abuse out there, and it is TRAGIC. But that is no excuse to throw out loving, compassionate, routine, purposeful, loving discipline which absolutely includes spanking. Much like many issues in America, the godless sector pulls out the extreme cases that represent a miniscule fraction of the population, and base their proclamations on that. If one set of parents abused their kids with spanking, then ALL spanking is abusive. We can’t RISK even ONE child. (though we can then risk 99% of all children not growing up understanding consequences, respect, authority or responsibility)
Kids who are disciplined are more secure. Kids who are disciplined are more happy. Homes that have discipline are more peaceful and loving. This assumes of course an abundant balance of love, affection and compassion as well.
As a result of CONSISTENT, structured, and predictable discipline - that includes spanking for disobedience, disrespect or defiance - kids feel more loved by their parents. Thirty seconds after my kids get a spanking, we are hugging, kissing, laughing and playing again.
The opposite of this approach can be readily seen out in public: rude, screaming, bratty, unruly and ugly kids next to parents who either ignore them, or sheepishly look around in complete embarrassing helplessness.
One last thing… many people who hear this will leave thinking that we have some “Hitler-like” prison camp in our home, where it’s all discipline and harshness and stifled creativity. HOGWASH! Our home is loving, affectionate, rowdy, fun, playful with never ending activity and “playing with Mom and Dad”. As I said, because our kids know the rules, know the expectation, and KNOW they will be enforced, the need for getting disciplined decreases dramatically.
There is none of this being good when DAD is around. My wife has it much easier at home during the day because she is an equal partner in discipline. Oh sure, Mom’s little more of a pushover than Dad… that’s just how God made us. But overall, my wife enjoys the same good behavior from our kids whether I’m home or not. Discipline makes raising kids more joyful, more peaceful and more productive.
In the end, ironically, the KIDS are the ones who benefit. A far cry from being “abused”, kids feel safe, secure and loved. IF I HAD TO APPLY THE LABEL OF “ABUSE” TO ONE SIDE OR THE OTHER, IT IS CLEARLY MORE “ABUSIVE” TO NOT DISCIPLINE KIDS.
You don’t have to be a harsh, uncompassionate dictator to “rule your house well”. You just have to be consistent, and discipline with purpose. On the contrary, it is the well disciplined home that has a “lighter spirit” because the kids are happy, secure, well adjusted, well behaved and know the boundaries. We are exceedingly affectionate and compassionate with our children. Part of that love and compassion is knowing the benefit of loving, Godly and proper discipline.
Brent Riggs - Author, teacher, mentor, online business expert
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