How can we have a good marriage? Can a sour marriage be salvaged? - Marriage

Welcome Guest

Search | Active Topics | Members | Log In | Register

Home » Family » Marriage » How can we have a good marriage? Can a sour marriage be salvaged?

How can we have a good marriage? Can a sour marriage be salvaged?

Options

Previous Topic · Next Topic

brentriggs

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 9:43:08 AM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

A reader wants to know:

We have a sour marriage. We don't like each other much anymore. Every day is a tug of war of selfishness, and tension. We won't get divorced because we are both Christians but we also are getting very weary of living every day unhappy with our marriage.

Can you help us?

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

This is an instance where I really want to appeal to the combined wisdom, maturity and experience of my readers. I know there are alot of older, mature couples with succesful marriages who can give alot of advice.

I also know there are a lot of younger couples out there who can remind us of romance and having fun in our marriage.

I also know there are a lot of good teachers, preachers, Pastors and Elders with a lot of great advice in this topic.

Readers, will you help me make this forum topic something special that everyone who wants to have a good marriage can read and learn from?

Dont' be shy. Don't worry about being a "good writer". Let's hear your advice, wisdom and experience. Let's help this couple, and by doing so, help thousands of others potentially.

YOU HAVE TO REGISTER AS A USER TO BE ABLE TO POST A COMMENT. IT'S FREE, AND YOUR EMAIL ADDRESS IS NEVER SHARED. Then simply click ADD REPLY to any post on this forum, and you'll be part of the discussion!

tcabarubio

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 12:04:40 PM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/20/2008
Posts: 1
Location: Georgia

I really commend you for not wanting to divorce. I have been married for 23 years. I wonder if you are focusing too much on yourselves. You are so worried about not loving each other and how much tension and stress there is that you are not focused on God. If you are not going to divorce then focus your energy on your relationship with the one you made your vow with. Read the word daily. Let all the music that you listen to be glorifying to God. Be in a state of prayer. I just read today about how self control is one of the fruits of the spirit that prove that the holy spirit is in us. Try to make right decisions no matter what your spouse does or says. Sometimes treating them at least like you would a stranger is better than we treat the ones we are with every day. Being polite (not sarcastically), curtious, smiling. Those are things we would do to a stranger. Be who you know God would want you to be and watch your spouse change. Let God work in you and heal your relationship while you are working on your relationship with Him.

Marla Barr

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 12:10:14 PM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/20/2008
Posts: 2
Location: Mississippi

Try to determine the reason(s) you don't like eachother anymore. What changed? You loved eachother once and couldn't stand to be apart. Is there too much going on that is taking time to yourselfs away? Learn to say "yes" to your spouse and "no" to everyone else. Communication is everything. Even the things you don't want to say or hear are better to be out than held inside to fester. It may hurt, but the healing starts immediately. No matter what your feelings are, know that God is with both of you and He wants you to be together and He wants you to be happy. He will help you through if you're willing to seek His guidance and have faith.

audreyd

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 12:24:19 PM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/20/2008
Posts: 3

Well, in my opinion, marriage is like a roller coaster ride in life... When you first get married, you are way up on the top, as the years pass by and children come, bills increase and tension builds, you start to feel the drop... I have been with my spouse for 24 years. Like everybody else in this world, we were on that 'romantic high' that you experience as newlyweds, etc.... as time went by, we were faced wtih many challenges in life that took a lot of the 'romance' out... children came, bills increased and we have had our share of major crisis's ... We have been very blessed financially and have almost lost everything...i would have to say, that after all these years, i have learned that marriage is not based on 'warm n fuzzy' feelings...for that fades with time, it is more of a committment thing, than anything else... that no matter what, you will stick it out in good times and in not so good times and even in critical times, as well even when you don't 'feel' like it. For example, Christ did not feel like dying for us and asked His Father that the cup be passed from him, but he did, he knew it was what he had to do.. just the same, we might not feel 'in love' or 'feel' we are growing apart with our spouse or 'feel' like we want our freedom, but we know it is the Will of our heavenly father to be bound to our spouse in marriage. I can really relate to the person who wrote the original message....hang in there, because you are not alone... it's a cycle of life that i think everyone goes through in the course of marriage... don't even consider the "D" word..... it's not worth breaking up a family and your reputation over... believe me !!! Been there and done that... and it's very very bad. Keep your eyes on Jesus and constantly ask Him for strength and guidance. God Bless you.... comments anyone :)

brentriggs

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 12:25:20 PM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

I agree with the comments.

One of the main things I tell people to do to improve their relationships is to ask: "how would I act if I were totally and madly in love with my spouse?"... then do those things.

Doesn't matter how you feel, and NO, that's not insincere or dishonest. It's doing what you have to do.

When you first met, you did certain things to cause the other person to fall in love with you. After people get married, they only want to do those things IF THEY FEEL IN LOVE FIRST! It's BACKWARDS!

How would you act if you were totally and madly in love with your spouse? Do those things for the sake of your marriage, regardless of your feelings or gripes about the other person.

Johnny U

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 12:42:19 PM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/20/2008
Posts: 1
Location: Indiana

May I suggest you give Family Life's "Weekend to Remember" a try? You can look it up online.
My wife and I have a good marriage but it was made stronger during this conference. And I could also see where it had a very positive effect on some other couples who were, admittedly, struggling.
We laughed a lot and really got to know each other better. Actually, we fell in love all over again!
Their program is successful for a reason. It's worth a try!

jdm

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 12:55:48 PM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/20/2008
Posts: 2
Location: Norman, OK

First, the way you describe marriage (a tug of war of selfishness, and tension) and yourselves (we are both Christians) is inconsistent. Yes, we all have our faults, but as Christians we are called to be selfless and loving, and caring, and many other virtuous things. You have it within you, and have God's help, to be good spouses. I also commend you on your desire to avoid divorce (and I speak from experience) - it is quite easily worse than a sour marriage.

Second, to add to Brent's comments: Don't rely solely on your feelings. Do what is right and good for your marriage and eventually the good feelings will follow. It may take a long time, but with hard work, dedication, and constant appeal to God for assistance, your marriage can be renewed.

brentriggs

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 1:43:50 PM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

jdm wrote:

Yes, good stuff. Thanks for joining in.... more people need to hear the encourage NOT to divorce...

Gary

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 1:46:37 PM

Rank: Bronze Member

Joined: 2/18/2008
Posts: 28
Location: Michigan

Not a whole lot I can add to all the good advice given here, like commitment, a give and take relationship. One thing that helps me is to remember what Paul said in Colossians 3:19 Husbands, love your wives, and be not bitter against them.
And also in Ephesians 5:25
Husbands, love your wives, even as Christ also loved the church, and gave himself for it;
If we , the men, would only do that!!! Wow!!! That's love right there. We also have to remember that if a Christian couple says they have nothing more in common. I dissagree. You ALWAYS have CHRIST in common. Build on that and rekindle each other.
God bless and keep you.

http://www.simpletruth-simplyput.com

brentriggs

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 1:49:48 PM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

Johnny U wrote:

I agree. Family Life is a great start to renewing your marriage. It's a weekend that is well worth the time.

My favorite marriage book, besides the Bible, is "A Lasting Promise: A Christian Guide to Fighting for Your Marriage". You can find it in the marriage section of my book list here: http://www.seriousfaith.com/books.asp

brentriggs

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 1:50:41 PM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

Gary Slaven wrote:

That's great stuff Gary. Thanks for taking time. As always, the Bible has the answer: 2Pet 1:3

SANDRA

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 2:16:36 PM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/20/2008
Posts: 1

I can relate to what you are saying and if you would of asked me a year ago if I loved my husband of 21 years ....I would of hesitated before saying anything, as I am sure he would of also. Our marriage had come to a point where anger, selfishness and years of built up resentment was a daily obstacle. It was a relationship that seemed hopeless. Saying that , we need to remember that there is ALWAYS hope where God is. He is able to change our heart and desires. When I finally got to a point where I realize something had to change....I began to ask God for some direction. I began to pray for God to change my heart and help me to love my husband as a wife should. I prayed to be lead by the Holy Spirit in situations and not to rely on my own understanding or desires. It began slowly, but I began to see a changes in my reactions to situations. Only God can do that. Sometimes we have to go through things and trust that if God is in control and directing our footsteps and know without a doubt that is what really matters. By responding the way God directs us to it also changes how people reacts also. In the change that my husband saw in me, he also began to change. He became more loving and kind. We both started being more concerned about the others feelings before putting our own feelings first. We began to look beyond the faults and weaknesses that seem to jump out and scream at us and started to focus on the strengths and qualities in each other that were appealing. It is important to vocalize those things we appreciate in others. Encouragement and praise (heartfelt) can bring healing. It is amazing how wonderful a marriage can be when God is at the head. He can turn a relationship that seemed dead into something beautiful and alive again. Don't be discouraged.....believe that God can turn things around. It is wonderful that you both are being obedient and desiring to do what God wants in your lives. I believe that what He has done in my life He can also do in yours.

brentriggs

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 2:27:51 PM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

That's great stuff Sandra... Thanks so much for taking time to share it. I think MANY people will benefit from your experience and wisdom. BR

ctmgb

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 4:33:23 PM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/20/2008
Posts: 4
Location: Jasper, Alabama

Brent, there are a lot of unknowns about this couple. (a) How long have they been married; (b) are there any children (c) what efforts have they made to make a go of this marriage, is there financial and or sex problems etc.

My answer:

I speak as one who has just celebrated his 52nd anniversary with the sweetheart of his and her youth. My wife was 16 and I was 21. I was in the Navy for 20 years, she was there 16 of those 20. I will soon be 74 and she 69.

If there are children in this marriage they MUST work this out. Children are affected all of their life. The children deserve no less. The separation of Mom and Dad will haunt them forever. My dad died at 87 and he was affected by his mother's and dad divorce way back in 1912 until his death in 1994.

Look around you and see what you have materially accomplished in the years of marriage. Look at the hard work, the money and time invested. It can't be replicated.

They say they are Christians: Are they active in church. If not, then GET ACTIVE. Today

Join a Bible Study and attend together. There is nothing else in this world that will help more, other than praying together, than attending a Bible Study. The Bible has the answers, but they are of no affect unless one is willing to read, study and obey.

They must start doing things together. Meet each other half way. One week share a desire of the wife, next week share a desire of the husband.

What about finances? How is the sex life? These two things, or the lack thereof, causes more broken homes than another single thing.

Do both of them work outside the home?

Have my wife and I had disagreements. Absolutely. Mostly about cutting the grass when she wanted me to and I didn't want to.

Have I ever hit her in anger. No, never. Have I ever felt like it - you bet.

Our God is great!

Charles Beersdorf - Jasper, Alabama

brentriggs

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 5:15:40 PM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

Charles, thanks so much for taking time to add that great advice, and great questions, and great observations. We need more couples who have been there, done that, to share their experience with younger or struggling couples.

MindE

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 5:29:42 PM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/20/2008
Posts: 2

My husband and I will be celebrating our 15th anniversary this summer. I can definitely second the comments about a roller-coaster ride. When things became difficult and strained I found myself praying for God to change this or that about my husband. The answer I got was surprising. God began to convict ME of the things I was doing and the things I needed to change. I had to get over keeping score of what he did or didn't do and focus on changing the only person I can change- ME. The results have been great. God is good and can change you if you ask.

brentriggs

Posted: Wednesday, February 20, 2008 10:23:57 PM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

MindE wrote:

That's really good words. Every good marriage will tell you its a roller coaster. COMMITMENT will see you through. And yes, "ME" is the only thing I can truly change.

Nick

Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2008 9:29:51 AM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/21/2008
Posts: 4
Location: Connecticut

I agree with everything that's been offered. Marriage is part of God's order of creation, but as with everything else in this fallen world, the going can get tough. Hostile forces are arrrayed against marriage in general, and opposed to Christian marriage in particular is the ancient foe. I would encourage the couple in marital difficulty with my own brief testimony. My marriage was not just sour, but dead, in fact ended by my wife via legal divorce. While there were many relevant factors in this situation, the spiritual dimension is that I had recently become a Christian, and the enemy was able to get to my wife through various portals. At times, you could see the spiritual warfare taking place. Throughout the entire ordeal and subsequent 3 years of separation, God burdened me with the hope, even promise, of restoration. That is what happened. My wife repented, even of adultery, we were re-married (24th anniversary coming up), and she was lifted out of the pit of mental illness into which she has fallen as a direct result of her disobedience. Our household was restored, and our teenage daughter, sustained throughout by faith, is now on fire for the Lord. Praise God! Our marriage is hardly perfect, but it is greatly improved. Surviving the disaster of divorce (and that's exactly what it is) gives one a whole new appreciation of holy matrimony. God cares a lot about every Christian marriage, and we must hang our hat on the facts of his promises, not on our feelings. As others have testified, He is capable of turning any situation around, even hardened hearts. Together, press into God through the Word and prayer and worship, and make Him the focus of your lives. May God richly bless with the marriage you desire!

brentriggs

Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2008 11:32:04 AM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

I love to see these stories about how God honored and healed a marriage. People think divorce is almost always the answer, when it fact, it is almost always the WRONG answer.

Remember, marriages are not built on LOVE. WHAT?????? Marriages are built on commitment. They are made good and Godly by love, and happiness is the by-product.

Love with commitment will end up in divorce, because there will be times you'll question your love.

Commitment without love will end up in being miserable and unhappy.

Marriage built on commitment provides security, and gets you through time when love waivers, or feels distant.

beloved1

Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2008 11:46:00 AM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/20/2008
Posts: 3

I would like to commend you first of all for seeking advise on how to handle this situation and for not wanting to get divorced.

I have been married for 16 years. I wish I could say that it was all sunshine and roses but it is not. I have grown as a Christian and God has taught me a lot. I have been praying for you and I would like to encourage you to take this situation to God in prayer. Pour out your heart to him, and then listen for Him to speak to you God will show the part he wants you to play in changing the situation.

I would like to be very candid with you if I may and share with you some of the things I have learned that I think will be helpful to you. As women, we want to be loved. God created us that way. Men on the other hand desire to be respected. When a man feels disrespected, he can get like a turtle who withdraws into its shell. This makes him unable to love. When we do not feel loved, we cannot reciprocate and be receptive. When we are not receptive this can lead to rejection in a man this affects our emotional life and things can go down hill from there.

Love is an act of the will. Purposefully determine in your heart that you will love your husband. Then pray because choosing to love is not something your flesh would embrace. As you pray, God will enable you to love not because your husband deserves it but because it is in obedience to the word of God. It is amazing what God can, and will do when we pray. I have prayed in my own relationship. “Lord rekindle the fire and the passion between us.” “God help me to love unconditionally, help me to be receptive and responsive to my husband.” He answered every time. He will do the same for you. And remember that somebody’s praying you through.

beloved1

Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2008 11:46:48 AM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/20/2008
Posts: 3

S. and D.

Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2008 12:01:02 PM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/21/2008
Posts: 1
Location: CA

Dear Person and Husband,
I very much appreciate the entry advice from tcabarubio of Georgia!! My prayers are coming your way!!!
Here is an experience that might help. My first husband and I were married with an anticipation/belief that we were both Christians. At seven years, he abandoned me. I took a years leave of absence without pay so that I could re-group, having a three year old and a newborn. We were separated for a year and a half.
During that time, he showed good faith by excellent caregiving and he started working fulltime in the evenings. He and I reunited and the marriage then lasted ten more years.
At that time, he wanted to leave. While it was very painful, I encouraged him to stay while we went through counseling. Many said that we were not married anymore. I knew that was not true and held on by being positive and loving. Still he chose to leave. I told him that once he left, no matter what, he could not come back. One the last day before he moved out we went to our pastor. He admitted he wasn't sure of his faith and still wanted to leave. This was seventeen years ago.
He and his new wife of five years have both turned their lives to Jesus. This same man has become a parttime missionary while also working full time.
MY BIGGEST ADVICE IS TO SEEK THE LORD IN ALL YOU DO! READ THE BIBLE, especially HEBREWS 11 AND 12! ASK HIS ADVICE; THEN LISTEN. HE WILL GIVE YOU THE ANSWER. MARRIAGE IS A CONVENANT of three: you, your husband, and God.

S. Edwards

Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2008 2:56:55 PM

Rank: Regular Member

Joined: 2/21/2008
Posts: 14

There is a lot of good advice here - but I would add one more (from a person who has been where you are):

1. PRAY that God will change you. (The Bible says we are to take the beam out of our own eye before we can see to take the speck out of a brother's eye.) Seek repentance over your attitude toward your spouse. (Why do we think we can treat our spouse any differently than any other brother or sister in Christ?) I think you will be surprised and humbled by what God reveals to you about yourself, and your own need of repentance. Also pray that God would give you a genuine love for your spouse.

2. PRAY for your spouse. Even though you don't want to. Even though you don't feel like it. Pray that God will work in your spouse's life to make him/her the person that God wants him/her to be (NOT what YOU want him/her to be). Pray for God's blessings upon his/her life. You cannot hate (for long) a person for whom you pray regularly.

If you do those two things, you won't even have to pray for your marriage, because it will take care of itself. You see, the problem isn't your marriage. It's your relationship with God. If you really sought to treat your spouse like God says we are to treat others......well - let's just say that things would be very different around your house.

brentriggs

Posted: Thursday, February 21, 2008 4:27:10 PM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

S. Edwards wrote:

You see, the problem isn't your marriage. It's your relationship with God. If you really sought to treat your spouse like God says we are to treat others......well - let's just say that things would be very different around your house.

I agree. Our marriages reflect our relationship with God. I personally have never seen a "bad" marriage where both people said they were healthy and growing spiritually.

Selfishness is the root of relationship problems, and pretty much all marital problems can be traced to a spouse being selfish. And selfishness is primarily a spiritual problem, the foundational issue becomes our individual relationship with God.

kayd1966

Posted: Friday, February 29, 2008 11:57:53 AM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 2/26/2008
Posts: 1
Location: Texas

My husband and I are coming up on 10 years of marriage. Ours is a different relationship...I have been a Christian for 30 years, my husband is not a Christian. What a blessing that this couple knows Jesus.

In my opinion, love is not a fluffy feeling. Love is a choice.

When my husband and I first met, I was struggling with God, church, Christians, etc. We married and within 5 hours, of our wedding I felt the Holy Spirit on me and my eyes were opened to what I had done. I knew what I was doing before we were married but I had chosen to ignore the warnings. Now I was married to an unbeliever. My heart sank and I knew that my life and what I had always believed God's direction for my life had changed forever.

I immediately started researching my Bible...what was my role as a wife? How was I suppose to live? Could I bring him to know Jesus? How could I "get" him to accept Jesus as his savior?

As time passed, I realized that my role was to love him. To be committed to him.

In 1 Corinthians 7:12-16 we read:
To the rest I say this (I, not the Lord): If any brother has a wife who is not a believer and she is willing to live with him, he must not divorce her. And if a woman has a husband who is not a believer and he is willing to live with her, she must not divorce him. For the unbelieving husband has been sanctified through his wife, and the unbelieving wife has been sanctified through her believing husband. Otherwise your children would be unclean, but as it is, they are holy.

But if the unbeliever leaves, let him do so. A believing man or woman is not bound in such circumstances; God has called us to live in peace. How do you know, wife, whether you will save your husband? Or, how do you know, husband, whether you will save your wife?

When I read this passage, one thing jumped out at me "God has called us to live in peace"

What an eye opener that was, How do we live in peace? What is creating unrest?

In 1 Peter 3:1-7, I read:
Wives, in the same way be submissive to your husbands so that, if any of them do not believe the word, they may be won over without words by the behavior of their wives, when they see the purity and reverence of your lives. Your beauty should not come from outward adornment, such as braided hair and the wearing of gold jewelry and fine clothes. Instead, it should be that of your inner self, the unfading beauty of a gentle and quiet spirit, which is of great worth in God's sight. For this is the way the holy women of the past who put their hope in God used to make themselves beautiful. They were submissive to their own husbands, like Sarah, who obeyed Abraham and called him her master. You are her daughters if you do what is right and do not give way to fear.

Husbands, in the same way be considerate as you live with your wives, and treat them with respect as the weaker partner and as heirs with you of the gracious gift of life, so that nothing will hinder your prayers.

I realize that this is not really focused on Christian couples but I really believe that these principles apply to all marriages. We need to respect each other, and we need to choose to love each other.

Jesus showed the ultimate love, He died for us. Do I love my husband that much? Am I willing to die for him? My husband has told me many times that he would die for me and I've always told him that I didn't want him to die for me because he wasn't ready to meet Jesus yet. He doesn't understand that...yet...but it is the truth.

We choose to love.

Praying for a person on a daily basis, sows love. You can't bow your head before God and bring your husband/wife to Him in prayer without the Holy Spirit softening your heart towards that person. I know that we are really good at giving God our 'What needs to be changed in them' list but that's not praying for them. I believe praying for them is asking for God to draw them closer to Him, to pray for their happiness and for peace. We also need to pray that we will be open to the Holy Spirit's work in us and that we will have a willingness to submit to Him so that we can be a part of God's blessing in our spouse's life.

I still struggle sometimes with "what might have been" but mostly I stuggle with wanting him to accept Jesus as his Savior.

This has ended up being more about what God has been teaching me than my thoughts for the original post but its what I know God has taught me and I hope it helps.

Because of Jesus
Kay

Brothers, think of what you were when you were called. Not many of you were wise by human standards; not many were influential; not many were of noble birth. But God chose the foolish things of the world to shame the wise; God chose the weak things of the world to shame the strong. He chose the lowly things of this world and the despised things—and the things that are not—to nullify the things that are, so that no one may boast before him. It is because of him that you are in Christ Jesus, who has become for us wisdom from God—that is, our righteousness, holiness and redemption. Therefore, as it is written: "Let him who boasts boast in the Lord." 1 Corinthians 1:26-31

1savedgirl

Posted: Wednesday, March 05, 2008 9:47:10 AM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 3/5/2008
Posts: 1
Location: Sisseton

Okay, my story is probably different than all others. My husband and I weren't married but a year then we were divorced. I am a christian, but he was not. There was drug abuse and physical abuse happening. I don't want to get into those things right now, but just to let you know that it was bad.

After we were divorced I poured myself into my bible. I prayed constantly. I prayed for my husband and my children. (Yes for some reason I still called him my husband) I noticed after some time things that I needed to change. Slowly I noticed changes in my children and eventually in my husband. He started going to church. At first a different church than us and then the same. He got into christian counseling and then into a treatment program for 60 days. All the while I never said anything to him. I would just let him come get the children and then he would leave. I kept asking my Lord to change his heart. For me to have a servant attitude toward him. I knew that he was to be my husband.

If anyone can change lives it is our Lord. When He comes first in our marriage we can love. I know you can love your partner. I never thought I could love my husband again. I'm sorry to say that I never wanted to love him, he hurt me too much. But now, I can't imagine life without him. Oh yeah, we were remarried (actually, we were married with our Lord) in March 26, 2003. He's the husband I prayed for. God gave me the desires of my heart, and it was in my own husband. I thought our relationship was lost forever, but we were healed. Our marriage was healed. With God all things are possible. I will be praying for you.

brentriggs

Posted: Wednesday, March 05, 2008 9:37:09 PM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

1savedgirl wrote:

Oh yeah, we were remarried (actually, we were married with our Lord) in March 26, 2003. He's the husband I prayed for. God gave me the desires of my heart, and it was in my own husband. I thought our relationship was lost forever, but we were healed. Our marriage was healed. With God all things are possible. I will be praying for you.

That is a WONDERFUL, heartwarming story. I'm so glad you shared it with us! You are a living example that no situation is beyond God's reach and the fervent prayer of the saved is powerful and effective!

roelvillanueva

Posted: Thursday, March 06, 2008 10:14:52 PM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 3/6/2008
Posts: 1
Location: philippines

Hello everyone,

i've re-read the comments given and i certainly agree but somehow, if i were to put myself in the shoes of the letter sender, something seems missing.

in reference to doing what one has to do, Brent says it doesnt matter how you feel. you have to do it. That's true. one's will has to overcome his/her emotion however i would say to have an exciting marriage life - one that you cant wait to be with and stay together as much as you can - emotion matters!

To follow all those Godly advices will surely bring back the two of them again. With God nothing is impossible, even the sweetness they have lost may be restored. I said maybe because I am not so sure. Would someone here say with 100% certainty yes? in every case?

Brent says "When you first met, you did certain things to cause the other person to fall in love with you. After people get married, they only want to do those things IF THEY FEEL IN LOVE FIRST!"

If i were the letter sender, that's exactly what I want to be - being happy and untiring to do things to cause my wife to faill in love with me regardless of how she feels about me. My question is, can we still bring back such state of mind? or is it really the norm that such feeling happens only in the beginning which will grow sour in the end?

sorry if instead of giving my contribution, i added more question. but i tell you, im thanking everyone for those valuable godly insights you shared.

brentriggs

Posted: Thursday, March 06, 2008 10:23:11 PM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

Roel,

Great thoughts...

The feelings of love, togtherness and best-friendedness (you like that word?) can grow all through a marriage. The early feelings of romance are not on solid ground, but they are fun, and necessary. The later feelings of romance and intimacy and "being in love" are based in truth and reality.

They can be kindled, fueled and ignited no matter how long you've been married, or how many years you've been "cold", without passion. I believe that because I've seen it far too many times over the years to have any doubt.

Jemima

Posted: Friday, March 07, 2008 2:08:25 PM

Rank: Regular Member

Joined: 3/7/2008
Posts: 6
Location: New York

I really appreciate all of you who have taken the time to write. Most of you have your major marital problems behind you; I am still in the midst of them.

My husband and I have been married over twenty years but most of them have been a major struggle. Unfortunately we married due to having a child out of wedlock, so we didn't start out madly in love like many of you did. Even though I wasn't convinced I loved him, I vowed as a Christian (a new one) to give the marriage and my parenting my all. Even though he has always been very difficult, quick to anger, paranoid, irrational (perhaps from many years of marijuana usage), lying, etc. I tried to make it work. After many years of his personality issues (all the while going to church regularly, seemingly wanting to raise the children as Christians, etc.), in addition to major work and financial issues, many deaths, and the one-sided nature of most of the household work, I started to give up. I was sick of being yelled at, sick of the children treated as major interferences in our lives, sick of his mean treatment of the children, sick of his constant complaining about us and everyone else. He has even lied to people from church on an overnight trip where he left our children there and did not tell anyone he was leaving but lied to me and them about it!

We have gone for counseling with our Pastor for over a year, but get nowhere. He 'yes's' the pastor to death, agreeing with the scenarios brought up concerning his temper with the family, etc. but then as soon as we walk out the door he yells at me, says I'm lying and trying to turn people against him. He has yelled at us or spoken rudely in public enough times where people have written to our former pastor saying they were concerned for us. Other people have commented over the years how rude my husband is, but they are afraid to confront him.

We have no living parents, I have no one to turn to but God. But I've gotten cold-hearted (my fault, I know) towards him and while years ago thought it would be easy to work things out if only he were willing, I'm not sure I could ever feel any warmth toward him again. I am tired of doing most of the work at home, and feeling that he needs a mother more than a wife.

I know I have a lot of work to do myself, and I know God wants me to learn to be patient and loving with people who are difficult. In reading the prior posts I do need to remember to fix what I can of myself, with God's help. But it is hard living year after year stuck in the same house with each other, with no changes, without giving up hope that there ever will be any change.

cathpops

Posted: Saturday, June 07, 2008 8:57:16 AM

Rank: New Member

Joined: 6/7/2008
Posts: 1
Location: Iowa

Perhaps this is over-simplifying--but, as a physician who has counseled many people over the years, I have found at the heart of these matters something we call "the contraceptive mentality". This is an uncomfortable topic for many, and yet it is the heart of all that is being discussed. A marriage will not suceed without God at the center, true! But how do we keep our marriage Christ-centered? Each spouse must give themselves totally, freely, faithfully, and fruitfully to the other. When a couple uses a form of contraception in their marriage, they are embracing the self and rejecting their spouse. The decision to use contraception, however, started with the decision to embrace the contraceptive mentality itself(selfishness, hedonism, materialism, individualism, lust). These are difficult things to admit --many of these posts are tremendous examples of how creating "change within" allows us to reject the contraceptive mentality, dying to ourselves, and then live and love totally, freely, faithfully, and fruitfully. Christ withheld nothing in His gift to us. So then should we withhold nothing from our spouse, especially our fertility! Marriage, like Christ, is of two natures. Christ is at once fully human and fully divine (this is Christian doctrine). Likewise, marriage consists of both the unitive and the procreative--inseparable, just as the two natures of Christ are inseparable! You can't have one without the other, as the old Frank Sinatra goes. When we contracept in our marriages, we are rejecting God's plan for procreation, as painful as that sounds. When we embrace the concepts of generosity, self-control, strong families, altruism, and idealism--all with a focus on relationships--we embrace Chastity. This is God's call to all of us! His beckoning to the holiness for which we all yearn. Please consider learning more by visiting http://omsoul.com/nfp-only.php or http://www.christopherwest.com/. There are many other resources, but this should give you a great start. God Bless.

S. Edwards

Posted: Tuesday, June 17, 2008 1:56:40 PM

Rank: Regular Member

Joined: 2/21/2008
Posts: 14

This is responding to Jemima's post of March 7 - (sorry, I haven't been on this site for a while)....

I totally sympathize and empathize - my story is very similar in many ways......and I've been married 35 years next month. It looks like you know what you should do - and so the best advice I can give is to do the good you know to do.

First, re-commit yourself to the true lover of your soul. THERE IS NO ONE ON EARTH WHO WILL EVER FULLY SATISFY YOU OR FULFILL YOU. Because you were made for God - not the man you call your husband. Fall in love all over again with Jesus Christ. Once you get yourself in right relationship with HIM - you will find it amazing how your perspective changes.

I did this and found myself letting go of trying to change my husband, trying to get him to understand how his temper hurt people, trying to get him to love me more than other things or people. I just let go - because it was way beyond me, anyway. I started looking at my husband just as any other human being - and praying for him that way. My perspective about my husband changed - because I had become more interested in his soul and his relationship with God, than I was in our relationship as a married couple.

I won't go into the long story (35 years is a long time) - but my husband today is a very different man than he was 5 years ago - and definitely different than he was 15 years ago! But God changed him, not me.

That's not to say that things are perfect - that won't happen until the Kingdom comes. He still does things that completely embarrass me, and loses his temper and hurts people (me included). But I long ago came to the place where I realized that he has to answer to God for how he lived his life - and I have to answer to God for how I lived mine.....including how I responded to my husband.

Do I love him? Yes. Not with the sappey "fall in love" feeling that you have the first year. But I love him as a person created by God who has given me three wonderful, intelligent, well-adjusted children. My husband (whether I like it or not) was God's plan for my life - so how can I complain? I have committed myself to him - and there I remain until death parts us.

brentriggs

Posted: Thursday, June 19, 2008 7:43:28 AM

Rank: Administration

Joined: 2/17/2008
Posts: 97
Location: Washington, OK

Good stuff... Hollywood constantly fills people's heads with unrealistic ideas of continuous romance and earth shattering sex, and this goes a long ways towards making a lot of people feel discontent with the own marriage and life.

I've know LOTS of people who think marriage should be like the movies and TV. Ironic, since it's not even MARRIAGE that is portrayed 99% of the time... it's fornication and adultery. Nevertheless, people see the starry eyes, the gooey emotion, the illicit sex, and the magic moments complete with a background love song, and they wish THEIR life was that way. And they think something is wrong because it isn't. Most of the time the "wrong" is the obvious fact they married the WRONG person. Sad.

Users browsing this topic

Guest

Home » Family » Marriage » How can we have a good marriage? Can a sour marriage be salvaged?

Forum Jump

You cannot post new topics in this forum.
You cannot reply to topics in this forum.
You cannot delete your posts in this forum.
You cannot edit your posts in this forum.
You cannot create polls in this forum.
You cannot vote in polls in this forum.

Main Forum RSS :

YAFVision Theme Created by Jaben Cargman (Tiny Gecko)
Powered by Yet Another Forum.net version 1.9.1.2 (NET v2.0) - 9/27/2007
Copyright © 2003-2006 Yet Another Forum.net. All rights reserved.
This page was generated in 0.446 seconds.